What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
