i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize