I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
