I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
