Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's shark week go big or go home
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
