If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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