I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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