dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
