I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
