We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
