New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
