you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you had me at cake vodka
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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