I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize