No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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