My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
