There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
