my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize