she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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