I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
