no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
