i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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