you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
