When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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