my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
