Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
