The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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