i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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