get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
