I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Actions speak louder than pants.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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