I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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