Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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