Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
