Already got asked if we're dating
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
