I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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