and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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