She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
