He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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