Have you finally orgasmed yet?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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