Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize