I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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