No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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