My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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