Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
from now on my penis is your penis
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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