yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
