my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize