i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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