I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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