I cannot find my penis.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
