you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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