chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
