I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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