i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize