when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Please don't give away my fajitas
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