I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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