i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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