i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
