The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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