i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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