You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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