mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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