Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
