I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
