So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
